Boys, Boys, Boys: The Mommy's Survival Guide.

January 13, 2013 by Michelle | 7 Comments

If you’re a mom of only boys, you will probably know what I’m talking about.  If you are a mom-to-be expecting boys, here is just a quick guide to give you a heads up for what’s ahead.  I was the third of four girls, so while I realize that some of these things might not be boy-exclusive…..I have no recollection of ever behaving this way.

GENERAL GUIDELINES

Your bedtime ritual might be to read tons of books and “talk about how our days went”.   Their bedtime ritual is to wrestle.

When your “let’s make a painting for arts and crafts!” is up against your husband’s, “who wants to go for a four-wheeler ride?”, you will always, always lose.

Learn how to fight.  Fake fighting/wrestling/general joking around requires a certain amount of aggression.  Get in touch with it.  There is no getting around it.

The only card game my kids like to play is Slap Jack.  Because there’s slapping involved.

Learn the difference between: Excavators, Front-End-Loaders, Back-Hoes, Skid-Steers, Cranes, Dump Trucks, and Bulldozers.  They get really annoyed when you mix them up.

Your sons do not have ADHD.  It’s called energy.  Even if they wake up every morning shot out of a cannon, there is nothing wrong with them.  It’s us adults that can’t always keep up, not that they need to slow down.  As a matter of fact, if you try your best to keep up with their constant, who-has-this-kind-of-energy-this-is-insanity, you will be in the best shape of your life.

Only buy your boys jeans from a thrift store.  Within a matter of weeks, every single pair will have holes in the knees.  Patches do not work.

Invest in ear plugs.  The sounds of your sons being dinosaurs, tigers, lions, chain saws, monster trucks, recycling trucks, bulldozers and just the screaming and yelling in general will make you go deaf and I’m not kidding when I say this.

When potty training, always check the toilet seat before you sit down on it.  If you don’t, at least have a pack of wipes nearby so you can wash off the backs of your thighs and butt.

Learn to love dirt and mud and worms and the sounds of farts at the dinner table.

PENISES–THEIR ABUNDANCE IN YOUR HOUSE AND YOUR LACK OF ONE.

Get used to the word Penis.  You will hear it once per day, at minimum, usually followed by the question, “Where is yours?”.

“Mom, my penis hurts”

“Mom, can you fix my penis in my snowsuit?  It’s squished!”

Get used to seeing penises throughout the day.

“Hahahaha, mom, look, there is a hole in my pants and my penis is sticking out, hahahahah”.

“Mom, my penis can’t reach the toilet seat, see????”

Get used to being the odd-man-out because you don’t have a penis.

“Dad has a penis and we have penises…..but mom doesn’t, right????”

Get used to answering anatomy questions about penises.

“Mom, what is this underneath?”

“It’s called the scrotum”.

“The what???”

“Ugh….the scrotum…..go ask your father!!!”

You’ll have to remind them over and over and over again to stop playing with their penises in public.

“I’ve told you already to please take your hands out of your pants while we are in the grocery store!”

At some point, they will try to put their penises in their mouth.

Don’t even bother telling them it’s impossible.  That won’t stop them from trying.